Tag-Archive for » self doubt «

Apr

I have to admit, I am a perfectionist. I’m not saying that I don’t make mistakes; quite to the contrary, I make a million mistakes. I fret over each and every one. I chip away at my self-esteem until I am a quiver shell, unable or unwilling to subject myself for further humiliation by submitting my manuscripts for reviews or critiques. I’m in a constant state of self-doubt when it concerns my writing abilities or lack thereof. Rationally, I know that we learn best from our mistakes and that some of the best inventions were in fact actually mistakes.

Perfectionism is a black hole of neediness, sucking the creative life out of those who suffer its cold grasp. Nothing is ever good enough. It always lacks that certain something that will make it shine. It creates self doubt and inability to move forward. Perfectionists are not happy individuals. The need to control everything is exhausting and in the end, futile.

It is the great distracter. It is that little voice that whispers that you need to rewrite that one sentence, that one paragraph, or that one chapter over again and again. It mimics the voice of your muse, taunting you to revise mass quantities of your manuscript only to lead you in circles until you are endlessly lost and then stands over you mocking that you clearly aren’t good enough.

I have come to discover that, for me, perfectionism is just one more way I have of punishing myself. I use it to prevent myself from reaching my goals and worse of all…growing as a writer, as a person. Unlike many writers, I do not fear the critics, for no one can be harder or harsher than I am on myself. I realize that I am the one who holds the key to my salvation, but first I must end the pursuit of perfection. I have come to understand that perfectionism is the antithesis to happiness. It sucks the joy out of writing and the life out of me.

Rationally, I know that every writer faces his/her own insecurity demons. I am not unique in my self-sabotaging success. I have to accept that it is necessary to make mistakes in order to create, to embrace the imperfect and celebrate the little victories instead of frozen in a loop of self-debasing pity and inability to write at all. I will never learn if I stand on the sidelines and think of what could’ve or should’ve been done, said or written.

Perfectionism is a lie. It promises us value, self-worth but in the end it seeks nothing more than to destroy us from within. It is the true silver-tongue deceiver, whispering that we are better and could be the best if only… Slowly the hurdles we must jump to achieve the promise of perfectionism keeps getting higher and higher. The weight of failure placed squarely on our own shoulders. The vicious cycle never ends unless we ourselves stop listening to the lies. We have to recognize the difference between the whisper of inspiration and the taunt of perfection. One is divine and inspires creation while the other just leads to destruction.

Marguerite Lafayette

Category: Uncategorized Tags: perfectionism, sabotaging, self doubt, writing 4 Comments

Dec

Surviving Writing : Writing to Survive

Margie

Got your attention, didn’t I? Honestly, I am probably the last person who should be spewing advice on mental stability or on writing for that matter, but since it is my turn to blog I thought I would put down a few things I have learned and a few more I wish I would. The following is just my opinion. I cannot speak for anyone else. Please do not take offense by my opinions; it is just my way of making sense of a sad situation.

I have met quite a few very interesting people on AWH and I can tell you they are survivors. Most have been victims of horrendous acts and not only survived but have turned that act into a sort of creative goldmine to make villain more vile, heroes more life like and vulnerable. They make written rage feel real, feel palatable. They weave sorrow in blanket and wrap it around you until you feel it is a part of you. Draw you into relationship, fill you with love and in a few chapters leave you eviscerated when that love is torn away. Create characters that seem more real than the people we interact with on a daily basis and leave us wondering how.

How is this possible? How can the see so deep, write so well, what makes them so talented? I think that those of us that have been through abusive situations have in a way been given a special gift. Most of us who went through sexual abuse have learned to retreat into a world in which we actually have some control. A world in which you know good from evil, right from wrong and Mommies and Daddies never hurt or leave you. You observe people so you can “act normal” and so we naturally pick up quirk and unique traits that make a character more real. I personally have a desire for strong kickass female leads that aren’t taken for granted and don’t put up with anyone’s crap.

In the art world depression runs rampant. So my question has always been is it art that depresses us artist or are the depressed naturally drawn to the creative aspects of art? I think it is the latter. Personally, I find the control I have in creating worlds, characters and situations very soothing. It is quite therapeutic to create a character that resembles my abuser only to kill him off in some horrific way, usually eaten by animals which then regurgitate him since he is so vile.

I have learned through my few short months at AWH that you must have support in place. People, who will guide you without blowing sunshine and rainbows when you suck, but point you in the right direction with kind and informative suggestions. You must have people who will tell you the truth. Ones that will pick you up when you fall, make you laugh when you want to cry and pat you on the back when you write: The End.

Oh and the thing I am still trying hard to learn…That not every compliment comes with a catch. It isn’t a set up to make you fall harder and that sometimes the best friends you have in life are only reached in cyber space. Avoid Writer’s Hell is one of the best places to receive not only support and guidance, but you will find some of the best friends you will ever meet. I have never been in a more thoughtful and caring group and I thank God that I was pointed in their direction and they took me in. I truly feel as though I am standing on the shoulders of giants when I stand among these talented women and men, but it is what helps me keep my eyes on the horizon. I am truly grateful and honored to call you all my friends!

Marguerite LaFayette